Handyman’s job
A woman wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a
handyman and started convassing in a wealthy neighborhood. She went
to the house of a wealthy man and asked the owner if he had any jobs
for her to do. “ Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge ?”
The woman said, “ How about fifty dollars ?” The wealthy
man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder that she might need
were in the garage. A short time later, the woman came to the door to
collect her money.
“ You’re finished already ? ” he asked.
“ Yes,” she answered, “ and since I had some paint left over, I gave
it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the
fifty dollars.
“ And by the way,” she added, “ that’s not a Porch, it’s a Mercedes !”
Showing posts with label joke emails. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke emails. Show all posts
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
forward email: ice cream
Old man on a stool ordered banana split ice cream in ice cream parlor
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool. After
catching his breath he ordered a banana split ice cream. The waitress
asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis.”
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool. After
catching his breath he ordered a banana split ice cream. The waitress
asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis.”
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
forwarded email: dumb blonde
Dumb blonde flying in first class
A beautiful blonde flopped down in first class on a flight from Los
Angeles bound for New York. A flight attendant approached her to say
that her ticket was only good for economy class.
“ But I am beautiful and I am blonde and I am heading for New York
city,” she replied, “ I deserve first class.”
Frustrated, the flight attendant summoned her boss who also asked the
blonde to move over to the economy class seat. “ Don’t you see how
beautiful I am ?” replied the blonde, “ I am a blonde and blondes fly
first class.”
Finally, the pilot came over to speak to her. After a few moments,
the blonde got up and went to the economy class to take a seat there.
“ What did you tell her ? ” asked the flight attendant.
“ I told her that first class wasn’t going to New York, only the
economy class goes to New York.”
A beautiful blonde flopped down in first class on a flight from Los
Angeles bound for New York. A flight attendant approached her to say
that her ticket was only good for economy class.
“ But I am beautiful and I am blonde and I am heading for New York
city,” she replied, “ I deserve first class.”
Frustrated, the flight attendant summoned her boss who also asked the
blonde to move over to the economy class seat. “ Don’t you see how
beautiful I am ?” replied the blonde, “ I am a blonde and blondes fly
first class.”
Finally, the pilot came over to speak to her. After a few moments,
the blonde got up and went to the economy class to take a seat there.
“ What did you tell her ? ” asked the flight attendant.
“ I told her that first class wasn’t going to New York, only the
economy class goes to New York.”
Monday, January 9, 2012
joke email: Jim’s birthday outing
Jim’s birthday outing
Since Jim works hard
at the factory and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball
at the gym, his wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard. So
for his birthday, she takes him to a local beer pub. The doorman at
the club greets them and says, “ Hey, Jim ! How ya doing ? ” His wife
is puzzled and asks if he has been to this pub before. “ Oh no,” Jim
says, “ He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress
asks Jim if he would like his usual Budweiser. Jim’s wife is becoming
uncomfortable and says, “ You must have come here many times for that
woman to know you drink Budweiser.”
“ No honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”
A lady dancer comes over to their table and throws her arms around Jim
and says, “ Hi Jimmy, you want your usual table dance ? ” By now,
Jim’s wife is furious and she grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Jim follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can
slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cab driver turns his head and says, “ Hi Jim, looks like you
have picked up a real doozy this time !!! ”
Since Jim works hard
at the factory and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball
at the gym, his wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard. So
for his birthday, she takes him to a local beer pub. The doorman at
the club greets them and says, “ Hey, Jim ! How ya doing ? ” His wife
is puzzled and asks if he has been to this pub before. “ Oh no,” Jim
says, “ He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress
asks Jim if he would like his usual Budweiser. Jim’s wife is becoming
uncomfortable and says, “ You must have come here many times for that
woman to know you drink Budweiser.”
“ No honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”
A lady dancer comes over to their table and throws her arms around Jim
and says, “ Hi Jimmy, you want your usual table dance ? ” By now,
Jim’s wife is furious and she grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Jim follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can
slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cab driver turns his head and says, “ Hi Jim, looks like you
have picked up a real doozy this time !!! ”
Sunday, January 8, 2012
funny email: Insistent lady cashier
another funny email
An old man walked into a shop and got some dog food and went to pay
for it at the cashier counter. The lady at the cashier told him that
he couldn’t buy the dog food because she needed evidence that he had a
dog. The old man protested and told the cashier that her request was
ridiculously absurd, but the cashier insisted that he showed her his
dog. So the old man brought in his dog and showed it to the cashier
and he got to buy the dog food.
The next day the same old man went to
get some cat food and the cashier told him that he couldn’t buy the
cat food until she got evidence that he had a cat. The old man
again protested and told the cashier that her request was absurd, but
the cashier insisted that he first prove to her that he has a cat.
So the old man went home and brought along his cat and he got to buy
the cat food.
Next day the same old man went in again and he brought
along a box. He told the cashier to put her hand
into the box and feel its contents and so she did. She said it felt
moist, warm, sticky and soft. The old man then said to the cashier,
“ Now that you’re satisfied with the evidence, can I have some toilet
paper please ? ”
An old man walked into a shop and got some dog food and went to pay
for it at the cashier counter. The lady at the cashier told him that
he couldn’t buy the dog food because she needed evidence that he had a
dog. The old man protested and told the cashier that her request was
ridiculously absurd, but the cashier insisted that he showed her his
dog. So the old man brought in his dog and showed it to the cashier
and he got to buy the dog food.
The next day the same old man went to
get some cat food and the cashier told him that he couldn’t buy the
cat food until she got evidence that he had a cat. The old man
again protested and told the cashier that her request was absurd, but
the cashier insisted that he first prove to her that he has a cat.
So the old man went home and brought along his cat and he got to buy
the cat food.
Next day the same old man went in again and he brought
along a box. He told the cashier to put her hand
into the box and feel its contents and so she did. She said it felt
moist, warm, sticky and soft. The old man then said to the cashier,
“ Now that you’re satisfied with the evidence, can I have some toilet
paper please ? ”
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Malaysia, truly paradoxical
Foreigners are bemused by some of our peculiarities.
An expatriate friend of mine is slowly settling down to life in Kuala Lumpur. We will just call this American, Paul.
It is his first trip to Asia and he has found it easy adjusting himself. English is widely spoken here, which means he has no problem moving around.
The easy availability of news allows Paul to closely follow events and life in Malaysia but the country remains a paradox to him.
I assure him that he is not the only one who feels that way. Even Malaysians born and bred here are still trying to figure out the many contradictions of life in Malaysia.
Well, Paul has been pretty observant and has asked me about some of our peculiarities.
Below are his observations after a month:
Malaysians are supposed to be lazy when it comes to reading. They read an average of one page a year. Okay, the latest statistics say one-and-a-half pages.
But Paul is amazed at how we have become so emotionally interlocked over a book first published over 40 years ago. We may not have produced any literary giants, except our home-grown laureates, but he is impressed by how passionate we are when it comes to literature.
Like elsewhere, money doesn’t grow on trees here but access to it is pasted on every available place on the streets.
With thousands and thousands of notices plastered all over the city – offering competitive rates with just one mobile phone number to call – Paul thinks getting loans in Malaysia is rather easy.
He’s impressed that the country is both flushed with funds and how easy it is for people to borrow cash as there’s no red tape. Even those blacklisted can borrow. It’s a great country, he says.
Malaysians are health freaks. They are so health conscious that spas and services for massages, starting from foot massages upwards, have been sprouting all over towns and cities.
Notices promoting “Honey Massage” and “Rocket Massage” are even sprayed on walls. And of course, the Malaysian service providers are super efficient, making the massages available with just a phone call.
Malaysians love debates. Every other day, someone seems to be throwing a challenge to debate with another. He feels that these guys must have great oratory skills. He thinks that this is yet another indicator of a truly democratic country.
Paul finds it hard to fathom that Malaysia has a problem with corruption. Something is not quite right as Malaysians are also so religious. His question: If everyone gets all worked up whenever religious matters are questioned, how can the country be grappling with corruption? Many seem so puritanical too.
Paul also observes that Malaysians are environmentally conscious and take great pains in loving their trees. There may not be tree huggers like in the West but he thinks we protect our environment using the full brunt of the law.
He thinks our policemen spend an awful lot of time protecting trees because he always sees them behind trees, along the roads and highways. Such dedication and love for the greens, he says.
Paul has also found out that Malaysia, which used to rely on rubber for its economic growth in early days, still tends to stretch the meaning of being on time.
He has learned that when people say “on the way” or “coming soon”, it really means they are still at home or have yet to begin their journey.
Paul has also discovered that “traffic jam” is the most convenient Malaysian excuse for not being punctual, even if the person arrives an hour late. The rule of thumb is to add another hour if it rains.
But the best part is this: Malaysians must love many things about pirates. We call unlicensed taxis “pirate taxis” and imitation DVDs, “pirated DVDs”.
Pirated DVDs are illegal but openly sold. No one would admit buying or owning one but many Malaysians seem familiar with it.
And pirated DVDs even carry messages telling Malaysians why they should NOT buy pirated DVDs, with a short trailer of a speeding car, showing you the difference in quality between an original and a pirated copy.
Malaysia is truly amazing. Paul is already in love with Malaysia after being here a month.
To know Malaysia is certainly to love Malaysia.
Monday, January 10, 2011
joke email: GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
joke emails :GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran – ruled by a couple of nuts
THE END.
p/s: click here for more tips on how to make a woman laugh
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran – ruled by a couple of nuts
THE END.
p/s: click here for more tips on how to make a woman laugh
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Joke email: Attention: All Male Taxpayers
The Australian Taxation Office
Attention: All Male Taxpayers
Dear Sirs,
NOTICE OF CHANGES IN TAXATION AS ANNOUNCED BY THE HONOURABLE PAUL KEATING
The only thing the Australian Taxation Office has not yet taxed is your Ding Dong. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is
hanging around unemployed,20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up ,and 10% it is in the hole. On top of this
it has two dependents and they're both nuts.
Accordingly, from 1st of October, 2010 your Ding Dong will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please
insert this information on Page 2, item 13 of the standard "S"form.
4 - 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 25.00
6 - 8 inches Privelege Tax $ 35.00
8 - 10 inches Pole Tax $ 45.00
10 -12 inches Luxury Tax $ 50.00
Anyone under four (4) inches is eligible for a refund.Anyone exceeding twelve (12) inches must file an Tax Return and include the appropriate item under Capital Gains. Please do not apply for an extension.
Yours faithfully,
(Signed)
Pecker Checker
Attention: All Male Taxpayers
Dear Sirs,
NOTICE OF CHANGES IN TAXATION AS ANNOUNCED BY THE HONOURABLE PAUL KEATING
The only thing the Australian Taxation Office has not yet taxed is your Ding Dong. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is
hanging around unemployed,20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up ,and 10% it is in the hole. On top of this
it has two dependents and they're both nuts.
Accordingly, from 1st of October, 2010 your Ding Dong will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please
insert this information on Page 2, item 13 of the standard "S"form.
4 - 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 25.00
6 - 8 inches Privelege Tax $ 35.00
8 - 10 inches Pole Tax $ 45.00
10 -12 inches Luxury Tax $ 50.00
Anyone under four (4) inches is eligible for a refund.Anyone exceeding twelve (12) inches must file an Tax Return and include the appropriate item under Capital Gains. Please do not apply for an extension.
Yours faithfully,
(Signed)
Pecker Checker
Monday, October 18, 2010
Joke email - The tax system explained in beer.
Another Joke email, which is also a reality
------------------
When pondering the question of taxes and the structure of our tax system in general please refer to this explanation using the language of Beer !!
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?
How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if theysubtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow theprinciple of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction..
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
------------------
When pondering the question of taxes and the structure of our tax system in general please refer to this explanation using the language of Beer !!
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?
How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if theysubtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow theprinciple of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction..
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Joke email: is this her first child?
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Friday, April 2, 2010
Funny emails: BHAI-logy lesson
No offense to the singhs out there...this is just a joke email..
===========
Q: Why are there so many Sikh money changers in Singapore ?
A: Because they like to deal in Singh dollars.
Q: Why do Sikhs make good shopkeepers?
A: Because when you enter their shop to buysomething, you are the buyer; which makes them the buyee.
Q: What do u call a Bhai who wants to make a U-turn?
A: Ke belakang-pu Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who drinks only beer?
A: Jasbir Singh
Q: What is the study of young bhais?
A: Microbhailogy.
Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she posed for Playboy?
A: Bohcheng Kaur
Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she joined a Cantonese criminal gang?
A: Tai Kaur
Q: Where to find a Bhai doctor?
A: At Tantock Singh Hospital , Singapore .
Q: What do you call a Bhai who comes to visit you every three days?
A: Sarjit SinghQ: What do you call a Bhai who's lost?A: Miss Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who lives between Singapore and Kuantan?
A: Mer-Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who's coming only tomorrow?
A: Mahjit Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who likes Chinese herbs?
A: Gin Singh!
Q: What do you call a Bhai on a tightrope?
A: Balance Singh
Q: What is the official mode of transport for Bhais?
A: Bhaicycles
Q: What heart surgery procedure did Mr. Singh undergo?
A: A bhaipass.
Q: What do you call a Sikh who is covetous?
A: Gian Singh
Just Passing ThroughA Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he decided to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The Owner comes out angrily shouting : Hey, do you know you are trespassing?Sikh answered : No, I'm Jaspar Singh
===========
Q: Why are there so many Sikh money changers in Singapore ?
A: Because they like to deal in Singh dollars.
Q: Why do Sikhs make good shopkeepers?
A: Because when you enter their shop to buysomething, you are the buyer; which makes them the buyee.
Q: What do u call a Bhai who wants to make a U-turn?
A: Ke belakang-pu Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who drinks only beer?
A: Jasbir Singh
Q: What is the study of young bhais?
A: Microbhailogy.
Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she posed for Playboy?
A: Bohcheng Kaur
Q: What was Mrs. Singh called when she joined a Cantonese criminal gang?
A: Tai Kaur
Q: Where to find a Bhai doctor?
A: At Tantock Singh Hospital , Singapore .
Q: What do you call a Bhai who comes to visit you every three days?
A: Sarjit SinghQ: What do you call a Bhai who's lost?A: Miss Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who lives between Singapore and Kuantan?
A: Mer-Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who's coming only tomorrow?
A: Mahjit Singh
Q: What do you call a Bhai who likes Chinese herbs?
A: Gin Singh!
Q: What do you call a Bhai on a tightrope?
A: Balance Singh
Q: What is the official mode of transport for Bhais?
A: Bhaicycles
Q: What heart surgery procedure did Mr. Singh undergo?
A: A bhaipass.
Q: What do you call a Sikh who is covetous?
A: Gian Singh
Just Passing ThroughA Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he decided to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The Owner comes out angrily shouting : Hey, do you know you are trespassing?Sikh answered : No, I'm Jaspar Singh
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
funny email: AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Sorenti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Sorenti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Sunday, November 8, 2009
joke email : Who is Clever? Teacher or student?
Who is clever? Teacher or student?
(REALLY FUNNY)
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night
And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night
and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car!
all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test..
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,
All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name......... .......... ........( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?............ ....( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!
(REALLY FUNNY)
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night
And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night
and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car!
all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test..
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test,
All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name......... .......... ........( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?............ ....( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Does Management know their Staff?
Does Management know their Staff?
On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a
young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and
gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working,
not for standing around looking pretty!
Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that
applies to everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I
just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"
Make money full-time as a freelance writer, and fire your boss. Click here for info >>
On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a
young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and
gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working,
not for standing around looking pretty!
Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that
applies to everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I
just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"
Make money full-time as a freelance writer, and fire your boss. Click here for info >>
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Fwd: Fw: British English vs Malaysian English
British English vs. Malaysian English
Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith.. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want lah.
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..
Malaysians: Die lah!!
WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.
Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!
WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?
Malaysians: Celaka you!
So which would you prefer? Send this to your Malaysian friends and let them have a laugh too. Good day!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Joke email: Wedding invitation from a pissed off mother-in-law
I'll give you two reasons why he's marrying her!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
HUSBANDS FOR SALE !
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
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