forward email: ocean view

Girls Night Out:

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waiters there wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They finally agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food there was very good and the wine selection was also good.

Another 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. The Ocean View restaurant was agreed upon finally, because there they could eat in peace and quiet; and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

A further 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed on the Ocean View restaurant because it was wheel chair accessible and even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should go the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

Poems by WIFE and HUSBAND

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you
.
.
.
Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

Men are like...

Men are like suckers... Sweet untill you get to the stick!!
Men are like toilet paper there only good for one thing.......wiping you ass on!!    
Men are like Sports cars too small, too high maintenance, and always trying to pick up your friends.
Men are like the sun, they all think the world revolves around them.
Men are like weather reports you really shouldn't believe a word they say.
Men are like martinis one isn't enough and two is usually too many.
Men are like taxi cabs,there's usually another one coming along any minute.
Men are like ladybugs,you actually feel bad squashing the cute ones.
Men are like new shoes,.once you break them in, they're fun to walk on.
Men are like earthquakes sometimes they make you want to scream and run out of the building.
Men are like Chinese food,a half an hour later you're ready for something new.
Men are like houseplants, very intelligent, but you're still supposed to talk to them.
Men are like library books,there are still millions you haven't checked out.
Men are like mannequins,it's impossible to get that blank look off their faces  
Men are like easter eggs, they‘re hollow ....
Men are like... Pokemon
Ya gotta catch em all! You don’t win with jus one. Each has a certain quality a woman needs. And if you come across one that is mean to you, you have your other men beat him up! 
Men are like...Birth control...something always pops up and doesnt always work out as planned. 
Men are like...
Vegetables in a supermarket. The good ones are hard to find.  
Men are like cola... lovely and bubbly but soon go flat.
Men are like kettles... they get all hot and steamy when you plug them in but then they go off.
Men are like aeroplanes... sometimes they fly, and sometimes they crash + burn.   
Men are like... fire
Fun to look at, lots of colors, and they always burn out without more fuel.

funny email: Story of Four Friends

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and
 drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind
began to talk about their kids and their successes.

 The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He
 started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He
 studied Economics and Business administration soon he was promoted and began
 to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the
 president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a
 top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

  The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and
 joy, I am very proud of him.He started working at a traveling agency for a
 very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage
 to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the
 assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for
 his birthday.

 The third guy says: Congratulations to you guys!! My son is also my pride
 and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and
 became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very
 successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice
 and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft
 mansion specially for his friend.

 The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of
 theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and
 asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the
three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our
 sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

 The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a
 stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be,
 that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

 The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I
 love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did
 you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a
beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line
Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

choose wife

 Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research... This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

fax

An American, Japanese, and a Sardar (indian Sikh) were sitting in the
sauna naked. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the
skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a
microchip
in my hand.
The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be
as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break
in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a
piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his backside. The
others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead of
being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Sardar explained,
"I'm getting a FAX. The other two fainted.

confession booth

Confession booth
After having far too many drinks in the bar, a man staggered into a
church and went into a confession booth.  After a few minutes of
listening to the drunkard’s moaning, a priest stepped into the
adjacent booth and spoke to the drunkard through the screen.

“ Son, may I help you ? ” asked the priest.
“ God, I hope so,” the drunkard replied, “ Do you have any tissue
paper in this toilet ?

funny email : porch

Handyman’s  job
A woman wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a
handyman and started convassing in a wealthy neighborhood.  She went
to the house of a wealthy man and asked the owner if he had any jobs
for her to do.  “ Well, you can paint my porch.  How much will you
charge ?” 
The woman said, “ How about fifty dollars ?”  The wealthy
man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder that she might need
were in the garage.  A short time later, the woman came to the door to
collect her money.

“ You’re finished already ? ” he asked.
“ Yes,” she answered, “ and since I had some paint left over, I gave
it two coats.”  Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the
fifty dollars.

“ And by the way,” she added, “ that’s not a Porch, it’s a Mercedes !”

forwarded email: 12 billion

US  invention
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

forward email: ice cream

Old man on a stool ordered banana split ice cream in ice cream parlor

               A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly and  painfully up onto a stool. After
catching his breath he ordered a banana split ice cream. The waitress
asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis.”

forwarded email: dumb blonde

Dumb blonde flying  in first class
A beautiful blonde flopped down in first class on a flight from Los
Angeles bound for New York.  A flight attendant approached her to say
that her ticket was only good for economy class.

“ But I am beautiful and I am blonde and I am heading for New York
city,” she replied, “ I deserve first class.”
Frustrated, the flight attendant summoned her boss who also asked the
blonde to move over to the economy class seat.  “ Don’t you see how
beautiful I am ?” replied the blonde, “ I am a blonde and blondes fly
first class.”

Finally, the pilot came over to speak to her.  After a few moments,
the blonde got up and went to the economy class to take a seat there.
“ What did you tell her ? ” asked the flight attendant.
“ I told her that first class wasn’t going to New York,  only the
economy class goes to New York.”

funny email: Insistent lady cashier

another funny email

An old man walked into a shop and got some dog food and  went to pay
for it at the cashier counter.   The lady at the cashier told him that
he couldn’t buy the dog food because she needed evidence that he had a
dog.  The old man protested and told the cashier that her request was
ridiculously absurd, but the cashier insisted that he showed her his
dog.  So the old man brought in his dog and showed it to the cashier
and he got to buy the dog food.

The next day the same old man went to
get some cat food and the cashier told him that he couldn’t buy the
cat food  until she got  evidence that he had a cat.  The old man
again protested and told the cashier that her request was absurd, but
the cashier insisted that he first prove to her that he has a cat.
So the old man went home and brought along his cat and he got to buy
the cat food. 

Next day the same old man went in again and he brought
along a box.  He told the cashier to put her hand
 into the box and  feel its contents and so she did. She said it felt
moist, warm, sticky and soft.   The old man then said to the cashier,
“ Now that you’re satisfied with the evidence,  can I have some toilet
paper please ? ”

forwarded email parachute club

  Yesterday your daughter asked why u didn't do something useful with your time.   She suggested to go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys my own age.  

U did this, and when u got home last night u told her that u had joined a parachute club .   She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 60 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
 I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. 

She said to you, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a
Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" 

U R in trouble again and don't know what to do! You signed up for five jumps a week!   Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

microchip

An American, Japanese, and a Sardar (indian Sikh) were sitting in the
sauna naked. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the
skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a
microchip
in my hand.
The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be
as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break
in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a
piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his backside. The
others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead of
being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Sardar explained,
"I'm getting a FAX. The other two fainted.

Get out of the car!

Good funny forwarded email - Joke email but true

joke email: GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

joke emails :GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece &  gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel -  has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada – cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran – ruled by a couple of nuts

THE END.

p/s: click here for more tips on how to make a woman laugh

Joke email: Attention: All Male Taxpayers

The Australian Taxation Office


Attention: All Male Taxpayers


Dear Sirs,

NOTICE OF CHANGES IN TAXATION AS ANNOUNCED BY THE HONOURABLE PAUL KEATING


The only thing the Australian Taxation Office has not yet taxed is your Ding Dong. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is

hanging around unemployed,20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up ,and 10% it is in the hole. On top of this

it has two dependents and they're both nuts.

Accordingly, from 1st of October, 2010 your Ding Dong will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please

insert this information on Page 2, item 13 of the standard "S"form.

4 - 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 25.00

6 - 8 inches Privelege Tax $ 35.00

8 - 10 inches Pole Tax $ 45.00

10 -12 inches Luxury Tax $ 50.00

Anyone under four (4) inches is eligible for a refund.Anyone exceeding twelve (12) inches must file an Tax Return and include the appropriate item under Capital Gains. Please do not apply for an extension.



Yours faithfully,


(Signed)

Pecker Checker

Joke email - The tax system explained in beer.

Another Joke email, which is also a reality
------------------

When pondering the question of taxes and the structure of our tax system in general please refer to this explanation using the language of Beer !!


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if theysubtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow theprinciple of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Joke emails: thank you notes - part 1

Memorable thank you notes

Joke email: is this her first child?

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"