Irish jokes part 2

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher.

'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

---------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?' 'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

You gotta love Irish Jokes

Real stress reliever !!
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You Gotta Love Irish Jokes

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Tea Cups

A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups:

Porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee.

When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering. "You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems."

He continued.. "Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups. Then you began eyeing each other's cups..."

"Now consider this: Life is coffee - Jobs, money and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the Life we live. Often by concentrating only on the cup we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided us. God brews the coffee, but he does not supply the cups. Enjoy your coffee!"

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything..

So please remember: LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY, LEAVE THE REST TO GOD

Bungalows in Dubai

TELEPHONE CHARGES

Have a good laugh!

How much would it cost to (telephone) call Malaysia from Hell?

You'd be surprised!

> > Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Ahmad Badawi die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there.

Queen says, I miss my England , can I use your phone and hear how> my people are doing down there. She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair.

Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US . He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says "Ten million dollars" He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat.

Badawi is jealous. He says I want to call Malaysia . He calls and talks for about an hour to his son-in-law who is busy trying to find Mr. Petronas. Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?

The devil replies: only one dollar. Badawi is shocked and asks "'why so little?". The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT'S LOCAL CALL.

Resemblance?

friends who begin getting old ..

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Cute kitten pictures

oohhh...so adorable and cute.. ;)

Courses for men

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY

_____________________________________________________________________________ Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course including: _____________________________________________________________________________ DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Round table discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE / FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGSStarting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting "It's not there!", You've moved it!" or 'We've run out!" - Open forum _____________________________________________________________________________ DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role-play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counsellors available

office skills - part 3

Office Skills - part 2

How to write a Letter to your Boss for Salary Raise......

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary !

Dear Bo$$ ,

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon .

Your$ $incerely,

The next day, you received this letter of reply:

Oh my dear:

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNO mists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly, Manager

Office Skills - part 1

The US recession

Here is an interesting comment on the current recession in USA: Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the following:

''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany .
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US"

What month were you born in??

JANUARY=PIMP

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Ge ts angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends.. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them MFE.

FEBRUARY=THUG

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone.A real speed demon. Has more than one best friend. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals.. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Trie s to learn to show emotions.

MARCH=GORGEOUS

Drop dead gorgeous!!! Attractive personality. Very! sexy. Affectionate & Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Chatterbox! Loves to talk alot! Loves to get their way! . Unbelievable kisser! Easily angered. Very stubborn in the m ost way possible! Loves to get noticed! Willing to take risks for others. Makes good choices. Has a great fashion sense! Maybe a little too popular with others * wink wink*. Outgoing and crazy at times! Intelligent. Can sometimes be a heartbreaker! Can love as much as possible! Hates insults. Loves compliments! A very big flirt! Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. The best in bed out of NE of these months!! Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.likes to keep theyre crushes kinda secret.pretty much flawless

APRIL=SEXY

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detaile d. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and o thers. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.

MAY=LOVER

Hella sexy, loves sex n making luv, tends to be SOOOOO hott!! Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people ' s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty.. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

JUNE = LUST

Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takesrep pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times.Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. J udges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

JULY=GANGSTA

You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner, a wicked hottie. Like somebody with a JUNE brithday. It is also more li kely than that you have a massive record collection. When it comes to films, you know how to pick them and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!

AUGUST=ATTITUDE

outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. self control. kind hearted. Self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charm ing" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter.

SEPTEMBER=FINEASS PIMP

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Great in bed. Inner and physical beauty. Doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. A meaningful love life partner. Makes right choices. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Does not harm others. It is all about love and fairness. Easily hurt and hard to recover. Daydreamer and does fullfill. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Knows what to do, to have fun. Unpredictable. Someo ne to have close to you. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

OCTOBER=HOTTIE

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamen tal sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent.. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

NOVEMBER=SWEETIE

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restles s. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.

DECEMBER=BEAUTY

This straight-up means ur the most good-looking Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to und erstand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know.. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restles s. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited

Wise & Motivating Words

"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been"